Wildly Frazzled

Have you ever felt as though some force beyond your vision and control is pushing against you away from peace? That you are fighting a battle and losing?  Today... that is my today.

Just when I thought my book was smoothly on its way at the publisher, just when I was making all the decisions for my book and seeing the hope of my words becoming a physical entity—all was removed, all has crumbled.

Circumstances beyond my control have changed the course of my publishing journey; I am left to begin again. And I am wildly frustrated, I am wildly angered and frazzled.

Yet, in the middle of the chaos that circles me like a tiger in the amazon, though I feel as prey who sits in a puddle of cold fear just trying to guard my every emotion and move forward... I make choices in this moment—I choose to rest.

Rest isn't easy. Peace isn't simple. You cannot just purchase or acquire these things as one does when picking up milk from the grocery store. Rest is a process, a culmination of choices that leads to confidence, understanding; a release of the things that bog us down through the process of surrendering to moments like this, instead of fighting them.

I don't want to feel frustrated, instead, I want to push away my anger, worry, and stress. And the only way to accomplish those goals is to agree to walk forward within them. To experience them in proper measure and then set them down on the ground for their purpose is completed, they no longer need to be held by me. 

I think that too often we run from the feelings and the moments, which leaves them attached to us longer. Its almost as if they are unable to be freed from us until we acknowledge them. The question then arises, "What if we embrace the pain and give it boundaries... could we perhaps learn from those sufferings, learn from the frustration and fear?" If I agree to use those times to learn about myself, I am willing to bet that the next time I am faced with the same kind of moments—they won't be so hard.

So today, as I sit here wondering how in the world my book is going to come alive with all this opposition, I choose to remain for a while in this yucky feeling, that I may grow and be changed, that I would learn about me and uncover new layers of myself in the process. And I choose to trust in the process, allowing this time to benefit me; to become a stepping stone that takes me higher.